We’ve heard a number of people talk about memories being triggered by something someone says…or a smell…or a place.
I’ve been very fortunate in that I’ve never experienced a sexual assault–but last night a memory came to mind that let me know just how close I came. I don’t know what triggered the memory; maybe it’s all the stories I’ve been hearing/seeing lately about strangers and friends who have experienced assault. Maybe it’s all the discussion around the allegations related to Judge Kavanaugh. I don’t know.
But here’s my memory.
First of all, you need to understand that I was one of those incredibly naïve young women in the 1960s. I had a lot of friends, but I didn’t date much in high school. Instead, there was a group of us who hung out together.
When I went away to college, I was still very naïve. My college was a church one, which meant there was no drinking. In fact, it was conservative enough that there was no dancing either. But we had a lot of other coed activities–safe activities.
I don’t remember all of the specifics of the situation. I don’t remember the date or the event, but I do know that we had had some kind of end-of-school activity. At the end of it, one of my classmates–let’s call him “X”–asked me to go for a walk. He was someone I’d been friends with for that year…and I’d had a bit of a crush on him. So I was thrilled he’d asked me.
We walked over to the football stadium. Our campus was small enough (and in a small town) so we walked just about everywhere. We sat on the bleachers, just snuggled together–him with his arm around me. We didn’t say much or do much of anything else–just looked at the stars.
I’m not sure how long we sat there, but it couldn’t have been a long time, because I had to be back at my dorm at a specific time. X is the one who said that it was time to leave.
As we were walking back to the dorm, he started talking. Again, I don’t remember the specific words he used, but I do remember that what he was telling me was that he had planned on raping me when he asked me to go with him. He changed his mind–I don’t know why. I had had no idea that I was in that kind of danger from him.
The one thing I do remember him telling me was to not be so trusting…that I might not be so fortunate in another situation.
I never told anyone. Not until now.
As I look back at that naïve young woman, I wonder… I think I was so surprised and shocked that I didn’t know what to do, so I did nothing. Had he followed through on his original plan, what would I have done? I don’t know…but probably nothing. I would have thought that I had done something wrong…would have been scared of what my parents (and my church) would have thought. I doubt that I would have filed charges. I think I would have probably tried to forget it…as I forgot the rest of the experience until now.
Do I remember his name? Oh yeah. Do I remember what he looked like? Oh yeah. Do I remember the weather? Oh yeah. Do I remember other details? Not specifically.
So do I believe women who make allegations but who don’t remember all the details? Oh yeah. I was fortunate in that X–for whatever reason–changed his mind. Many others were not as fortunate.