Where is God?

When life is going well, it’s easy (well, easier, anyway!) to sense the presence of the Divine. But what happens when life changes?

Those changes may come about because of the loss of a loved one…a change in health…loss of a job… There are a lot of things that can throw us for a loop.

I think I’ve talked before about a three-year dark night of the soul that I went through. I hated that time! I didn’t know where I fit in…didn’t trust people…and definitely didn’t trust God! I didn’t know where God was.

The only way I got through that time was because of my journaling. It provided an opportunity for my to yell and scream at God…to express my hurts…to raise my questions about where I was being called and what I was supposed to do.

One of the things I discovered  was this: that sometimes trust is an act of the will, not a feeling. It’s a conscious decision, not a specific choice. I’d been focused on the “feeling” of the relationship with God, but what I ultimately found during that dark night was that the feeling wasn’t as important as the “knowing” that the foundation was secure, even if/when I couldn’t “feel” the presence of the Divine.

I also discovered that some of my dreams and expectations had to die in order for something better to grow. Believe me, that wasn’t easy!!

Here’s one of the poems I wrote during that time:

To walk with you--
     to let you be my guide--
takes me to places I would not choose.
          Winding paths
          Steep roads
               with stones in the way
          Dark roads
               that make me fearful.

I had thought
     the walk would be
          joyful
          easy
          on well-marked routes.

The sun shines--
     but dimly at times--
as I struggle
     to trust--
          even when it seems I am going the wrong way
     to hope--
          that light will break through the darkness
     to cling to the One who urges me on.

God--
     you have promised
          never to leave me completely alone
          to bring me to new heights
          new eyes to see your people with.

I trust--
     and I fear
          in equal amounts.

Be the light
     in my darkness,
the hope
     in my doubt,
the new life
     in my death.

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