When life is going well, it’s easy (well, easier, anyway!) to sense the presence of the Divine. But what happens when life changes?
Those changes may come about because of the loss of a loved one…a change in health…loss of a job… There are a lot of things that can throw us for a loop.
I think I’ve talked before about a three-year dark night of the soul that I went through. I hated that time! I didn’t know where I fit in…didn’t trust people…and definitely didn’t trust God! I didn’t know where God was.
The only way I got through that time was because of my journaling. It provided an opportunity for my to yell and scream at God…to express my hurts…to raise my questions about where I was being called and what I was supposed to do.
One of the things I discovered was this: that sometimes trust is an act of the will, not a feeling. It’s a conscious decision, not a specific choice. I’d been focused on the “feeling” of the relationship with God, but what I ultimately found during that dark night was that the feeling wasn’t as important as the “knowing” that the foundation was secure, even if/when I couldn’t “feel” the presence of the Divine.
I also discovered that some of my dreams and expectations had to die in order for something better to grow. Believe me, that wasn’t easy!!
Here’s one of the poems I wrote during that time:
To walk with you-- to let you be my guide-- takes me to places I would not choose. Winding paths Steep roads with stones in the way Dark roads that make me fearful. I had thought the walk would be joyful easy on well-marked routes. The sun shines-- but dimly at times-- as I struggle to trust-- even when it seems I am going the wrong way to hope-- that light will break through the darkness to cling to the One who urges me on. God-- you have promised never to leave me completely alone to bring me to new heights new eyes to see your people with. I trust-- and I fear in equal amounts. Be the light in my darkness, the hope in my doubt, the new life in my death.